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Ra Scots Pirates Cove.
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Lovely Dee

Joined: 24 May 2009
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:15 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Kelp Hag wrote:
We are only doing this to stop him greeting.
He can't afford the fluid loss.
The way that man gets his own way around here is little short of scandalous.
Anyone that didn't know him could be forgiven for thinking that he must be as cute as Hoolie.

The Lovely Dee does not count among the rational

Not rational; how right you are Ms Hag, or rather should I say, how right you were. For, now the scales have fallen from mine eyes and I see things clearly now. By the way, I do like your chapeau; I used to have one very similar when I was younger. I purchased it from a small select boutique in Frith street called Miss Millie’s the Milliner for discerning ladies, do you know of it?

Anyway, to return to the subject. I was , I freely admit, attracted to that person until he, inadvertently I’m sure, “came out.” I was distraught, Ms Hag, thoroughly, completely and utterly distrait. My dear mama also suffered from this malady, this overpowering urge; this yearning to debase oneself in front of the lower classes. It’s a sickness and I know I should seek help but when confronted by “ a bit of rough,” all decorum simply flies through the Georgian casements and I’m a limp slave to his every whim. Or rather was!

I would picture him, shiny with sweat and reeking of body odour, made fouler by the ingestion of the previous night’s porridge curry or whatever rough Scottish leckies eat, and I’d shudder, Ms Hag; shudder with an atavistic longing that was almost impossible to control. Thank god for the training I received at Roedean and Cheltenham Ladies’ College otherwise I would surely have made an ass - pardon my French - of myself. I now see the reason why he became a leckie; simply in order to be surrounded by men day and night. I’ve never come across a female leckie; are all leckies gay? It’s possible I suppose.

Where once I pictured him striding through the heather and bracken in his little kilt, swinging his toolbag  as he gaily whistled some old Scottish song, heading towards some emergency electrical fault in a “wee bill and ben,” I see him mincing towards a Dumbarton public convenience for an assignation with like-minded chaps.

I f he finds that he needs to share his cot with a person of matching genitals then I say, good luck to you Heidy; I hope you find what you’re looking for. And, even now, after all the things we’ve shared, all you’re teasing - “youse is a fuckin’ hound,” which used to make me giggle, Even now, when some people would consider it reasonable for me to grab your grimy neck and squeeze until your tiny body lay limp on the ground … I forgive you. Take care, my dear, and always use a condom.
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Kelp Hag

Joined: 31 May 2009
Posts: 6

Location: Bobbing at anchor

PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Mistress Dee; your piteous plight has brought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
Who am I to judge or turn my back on a fellow woman sufferer?

With all deference to your elevated position; I humbly offer a simple solution to alleviate your terrible affliction.

You could emigrate.
There is no rougher more  odoriferous  man in the world than a Southern man.

I could put up a small picture, but out of deference to your finer feelings I shall not.

We do not want you  jumping on the first airplane all of a lather now do we?

As a fellow sufferer from visceral longings that can never see the of day (I would be behind bars) I will do anything to help a fellow afflictee.

I am so pleased you  like my hat; it could even be the one you had; as most of the pre-loved clothing I wear, comes from superior emporium in London Paris & Rome.

Take heart dear lady, where there is a good one there is always a better one; as my late dear Mother always counseled  me..

Humbly yours
Kelp Hag
splice the main brace
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Lovely Dee

Joined: 24 May 2009
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, don’t talk to me about “Southern” men! As a magistrate I’m often confronted with our Antipodean cousins. I had one up before me just last week. The usual type, you know … spent the night in the cells but still tipsy when arraigned before me the next morning. This one was a bit special though, he was wearing the usual “budgie smuggler” speedos and the ubiquitous flip flops but the charges were a tad more esoteric than the typical “ urinating in a public space,” or “ drunk in charge of a stuffed koala bear, “ that is my normal fare.

I asked the clerk of the court to read out his name, antecedents, charges etc and she said,
“The defendant insists his name is Billy Bong and claims he was “fitted up, “ by “jealous poofter pommy bastards“. The charges are that on the 2nd June 2009 in the environs of Regents Park, to wit, the childrens’ petting zoo, the said Billy Bong did molest, and otherwise assault in a sexual manner, one three year old sheep named Sharon … a firm favourite with the little children. He is also charged with issuing threats to aforementioned children and their assorted mothers and nannies who attempted to prise him off Sharon the sheep.”

“How do you plead?” I asked him.

“Listen, Sheila, that Sharon was gagging for it. She walked past me several times waggling her arse and giving me the old come on. Any self respecting red-blooded Aussie would do what I did…. I plead not guilty by reason of drink.”

“But, in heavens name, how could you possibly indulge in such a foul practice with an innocent sheep and in front of mothers and children too, “ I enquired of him.

“Right, well for one, she was asking for it. Two, the kiddies have got to learn the facts of life sometime, the sooner the better, in fact their bleeding mothers should have been grateful to me instead of assaulting me. And three, I would never, ever have it off with a jumbuck if there was a kangaroo in the vicinity. Give me a tight arsed ‘roo any day of the week … what are you doing after the court’s done, Sheila, you look like you could do with a good rogering yerself?”

Ms Hag, there’s rough and there’s rough but this chap took roughness to a new dimension. I believe that you, quite properly,  reside in a more refined area of the Antipodes. I just hope and pray that the men folk in your bailiwick are not as my Mr Billy Bong.

I gave him six moths without the option.

Your headgear  is not one of my former chapeaus. I remembered that I accidentally set fire to it on a Hades themed Magistrates night out. I gave an impromptu speech  in favour of bring back burning at the stake.
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Joined: 06 May 2009
Posts: 145

PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think your honour you must have misheard the poor antipodean resident who it appears was much more likely to  to have been well & truly lumbered by the local plod. He would never ever have said rogered, unless of course he was from Melbourne where all sorts of strange thing are said & done, he would have said "rooted".

On reflection it was probably a disgruntled pommy walloper who verballed him as a pay back for a long series of sporting losses to both of the countries from the Antipodes.
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Lovely Dee

Joined: 24 May 2009
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm ... not impossible, notascot. Not impossible at all. Smile
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Site Admin

Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 904

PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aunty wrote:
Swedish pirates capture EU seat

Sweden's Pirate Party has won a seat in the European Parliament.

Oh Arr me hearties, we've missed a trick.
I'm looking for a job with a sky high pay,
A four day week and a two hour day

Matt McGinn
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Fey Hag

Joined: 29 Apr 2009
Posts: 749

Location: Sealainn Nuadh Dawn's Birth Place

PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloody fantastic  
That is their reaction to the same sort of filthy law they tried to bring in here in NZ
We need more Pirate parties to wrest back the freedom of the people from the greedy manipulators.

Aftur ah git oop fra fanning masel 'n recover fra yir grafik descriptions Mistruss Dee.
Ah'll explain ra differance atween a Nossie an a real Southern Soothland New Zealand mon whit traces his roots fae Skoatlun.

Ut's a sad tale bit troo. Och 'n thy dinna shag sheep, in point uv fact they dinna shag much  ----- sigh Confused More later ah'm still shell shocked Embarassed

This Bothy's Clachan a Choin
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