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Heidy

Tae welcome in oor Pal,Alba...

and remind him o his station in life......

In the Beginning.

And in the beginning ther wis Darkniss oan ra Void an ra Lord wisny too pleased...
An he sais "LET THER BE LIGHT".....
An He waitit a wee bit an it wis still as Dark as the inside o a coo's bum!
"LET THER BE LIGHT"He sais in a louder voice.....
Still it wis affy Dark...
En a voice spoke up,"If ye gie's a minit Ah wull sort ye oot yer honir"...
An scrabblin noises wir heard an a clattir o tools an some muffilt curses....
"Err ye go,at shuild dae it"sais ra voice an ra LIGHTS came oan!
An ra Lord luikit roon an saw a wee guy staunin wi a Mk8 Avometir in his haun an a bag o tools in ra ither...
"AN WHO MIGHT YOU BE ?"sais ra Lord.....
"Ma naim is Lek"sais ra wee guy,"Gled tae be o service"
"AN WHER DAE YOU BIDE FRAE EN"sais ra Lord
"Nae wher yit,yer honir but if ye hiv a mind,mibbes ye cuild build a place cawed Scotland an Ah wid be happy tae be a native o ther"
"AH'LL SEE WHIT AH KIN DAE"sais ra Lord an got doon tae some serious creatin............
So fur a guid wee whiley ra Lord got his heid doon an his erse up an laburt mightilie fur ages annat an when it wis aw dun he stood an luikit upon his works an wis ferr chuffed wi himsel.....
"MY,THON WIS SOME BIT O GRAFTIN,FERR TAKES IT OOT YE ISS CREATIN BISNISS"He sais,"AH WUNDER HOO LONG AH HIV BIN W*RKIN FUR"
An a wee voice pipes up,(wan o thon creepy,slimey,toadyin voices at abbiddie hates)
"Sir,ye hiv bin w*rkin fur seven days noo in a trot,an its noo Sunday,an goin by ma calculashuns here ye shuild huv a wee rest or ye wull need tae pey yersel double time an Ah'm no sure if ra budgit wull run tae thon"
"AN HOW DAE YE KEN THON"asked ra Lord,"WHIT DAY DID AH STERT OAN EN?"
"Sir,ye stertit oan ra Monday,which Ah me masel,decidit tae caw it,as ra days o ra week hudny been inventit an Ah took upon masel tae dae ra bizniss an Ah quantified thum an wrote it aw doon in ma ledgirs!"
"OH DID YE NOO,AN WHIT ELSE HUV YE WROTE DOON IN YOUR LEDGIRS"sais ra Lord...while a dark cloud hovirt ower His heid,an His broo got aw furrowed an his een glared!
"Weel yer honir Ah pit doon in aw ese colums err whit ye hiv used as buildin materials an ra cost o each item an ra capital investmint agin thum an ra depreeshyashun whit they wull encur ower ra entire life o ra Galaxy annat.An ye shuild huv used cheapir rocks like merr saun instead o Basalt an Preshus metils whit is an affy price ranoo an ra effect wid huv bin ra same an mibbes merr deserts instead o stockin up frae thon gerdinin centres whit ur a rip aff! An en thers ra cost o ra loans an compoundit interest tae be dun but amortisation wull be w*rked oot when Ah get ra time,an Ah wull gie ye a guid discount oan ma bill"
"IS AT RIGHT EN AN WHITS YOUR NAME"sais ra Lord who by iss time wis thrawin a right guid Earth rumblin wobbly whit wis gien a few countries a helluva bother wi Earthquakes an floods an volcanoes goin aff like firew*rks oan guy fox nite!
"Ma name is Coontint,wi a capitil "C" yer honir,but ma pals caw me Alba"
By iss time ra Lord wis in a right stooshie wi aw iss mince an he sais at ra tap o His voice....
"WEEL SEE HERE FUR YER INSOLINCE AN CHEEK AN TRYIN TAE CHEAPIN MA ATTEMPT AT CREATION,AN WASTIN MA TIME WI TOTTIN UP AW THON CRAP WI FIGURES AN ITHER USELISS TRIPE,YOU AN YER DESCENDINTS UR FUREVIR MERR,CONDEMED TAE COONT UP RA MAIST TRIVIAL AN NAE USE THINGS IN ISS EARTH..EVIN UNTO RA SMALLIST BEAN AND YE WULL PIT IT AW INTY COLUMNS AN CHARTS, AND YE WULL HUV TAE MAKE IT AW BALANCE,AN IF IT DISNY ADD UP YE WULL ENTER RA FIGURES IN YER AIN BLUID TAE REMIND YERSELS HOW YE'SE OFFENDIT RA LORD"
"AND YE WULL FOREVER BE LEPIRS IN SOCIETY AND A PARASITE ON THE FACE O HUMAN EXISTINCE!"
Ra Lord banished ra bean coontir tae a faur cubicle an turned tae Lek who wis staunin err sayin nuthin...
"AND YOU LEK,YOU HAVE SERVED ME WEEL AN NO A WIRD O CRITISISM OR COMPLAINT,AN FUR THON AH WULL GRANT YOU RA POWER O RA THUNDERBOLT,WHIT YOU AND YER DESCENDINTS SHALL GUARD AND USE TAE RA BENEFIT O MANKIND FUR NOO AND EVIRMERR"!
"BUT TAE REMIND YE O MA WRATH AH SHALL ATTACH RA VILE CREATCHUR KNOWN HENCEFORTH AS BEANCOONTIR TAE MANKIND AND LET ALL WHO GAZE UPON THIS WRETCH AND HIS KIND REMEMBER THAT SERVIN NAE USEFULL PURPOSE TAE MANKIND IS HIS LOT UNLESS IN RA FAUR FUTURE YOU AS MA FAVOURIT SONS SHALL SEE IT IN YER HERTS TAE EMBRACE AN FURGIVE HIM"!

So endeth ra lessin frae ra buik o Lekii....
dosser

Is thon no' just the hieght o' bad manners. eh? Hiedy goes tae a' that boather tae rip ra pish ootae Alba, and Alba disnae even boather tae respond........ Disnae even hae the common decency tae ca' pare Hiedy a daft auld diddy fer a' his trouble an' thoughfu'ness in composin' a special insult of welcome tae Alba.

Ah'm ur shocked. Shocked an' dissypointit!
alba

Shocked???..in a leckie um um um um???????....that's a first.


Laughing
Clash

I got tae the third paragraph where the word Darkness wis mentioned.

Retired leki's and darkness are constants: aren't they?
Celyn

I mean, just how does his Heidieness KNOW about the inside of a coo's bum
Fey Hag

Cheezeswept Heidy yir gonna git anurrer boot uv RSI

Braw tae see yea Alba
Clash

Quote:
Arse! heidi:! You're no really serious are you Celyn?
Clash

Oh fluck. Just looked at the list of arseho/moderators an this kunt Clash is wan o thum.

I wis joking ya erseholes.

The delights of being a Moderator wid only go tae ma heid and ah'd end up agreeing wi off-the-wall comments by the likes of HH, Peony, notascot and ayreshire lass and banning lekii, um um um's and "rid heided persons of note".

I mean; dae you really want a drummer in charge?

I wid recommend Crawford as being an intelligent, fair and balanced individual to take my place.
SengaMcp

Jist luik oan it as yer jist deserts an ma way o spreadin ra mis... er... ah mean joy. Twisted Evil
Clash

Get f ucked.

I resign.
SengaMcp

Atra request ora puir shy retirin wee waflooer, Clash hus bin removed frae ra list o Cludgie Mods. Ye kin stop quakin ahint yer sossidge pyre noo.
SengaMcp

Fearty Boots
Clash

Fearty boots?

Auld Git wis daein his usual walking (and minding his own business) through the glens and other places naebody in his right mind wid go to (apart frae heidi of course but he disny fish any mair).

The sound of horses hoofs wis heard along wi this pukka "I'm in charge" accent.

"Hey you" sais Prince Charlie (for it was Him); get aff o ma land.

"Get f ucked" sais AG; I wis here first.

"We won this land fair and square during the Clearances and I will not allow diminutive baldie heided Poundstretcher arseholes like you running all over the place".

"You won it in a fight?" says AG and in future gonny refer tae ma laywer The Leki.

"Right" says the leki/dickhe...: "Get aff your horse and we'll fight you for it now".

That's how Dumb arton wis taken over by Clan Leki.
AG

How faur doon the second boatul ur ye?

Cool
Heidy

Ah wis thinkin at masel AG, he is gettin his pleyers aw mixed up err.....
Laughing
Clash

Wisny pished yeserday: only confused and happy.

Today ah'm pished.

Be afraid.
But ah'm probably gonny go tae bed early so maybe not
Heidy

Aye yer that pished ye didny evin notiss yer PM's ya daft auld git!

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