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Fey Hag

Mostly fer ra enjoyment uv Heidy

Heidy's mind lurks in these regions so ut's boond tae please hum.
A Pulitzer Winners Take On Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a  gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.    
A few days later, in his office, Andy  showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all  over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis  .  
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy  procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't  really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S  GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BACKSIDE!'
I left Andy' s office with some written  instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands  of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days  productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy,  I began my preparation.  
In accordance with my instructions, I  didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is  basically water, only with less  flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the  MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a  one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with  lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is  about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes  about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a  mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of  lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly  written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink  it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the  ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't  want to be too graphic, here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle  launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the  shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You  spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be  totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as  far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating  food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I  finally got to sleep.  

The next morning my wife drove me to the  clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the  procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you  apologise to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be  enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms  acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,  where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little  needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but  Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me  that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was hacked off that I hadn't  thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself  too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full  Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled  me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy  had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this  point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side,  and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my  hand. There was music playing in the room, and  I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy  that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy,  from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are  squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit  detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I  slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the  beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying  colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning  humour columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of  Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these  comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the  following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while  he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly  going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart  yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas ,  we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,  Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take  your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet  feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must  quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my  dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at  Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not  gay.'
           And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife  saying that my head is not up there?'

Boudleaux C Merkin

Spilt vino oan mah keyboard.  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

I know someone who had to drink that stuff when she was going to have polyps removed from her colon. It was so bad that she put a garden chair in the bathroom as she didn't have time to go out of the room before the next erm evacuation.
For some people, it doesn't W*** straightaway as she noticed when she went into the hospital toilet and saw the squit trail and the puddle of poo which had dripped off the toilet seat.
some poor bugger had to clean that up.

Boudleaux C Merkin wrote:
Spilt vino oan mah keyboard.  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

Ah got snotters in mah beer...... and froth on ra wallpaper.

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