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Heidy

Joke threed..no neccesarilie in guid taste eethuur!

What do Ricky Hatton and Gary Glitter have in common?
They both went down after tryin to take  a little Phillipino in the ring!
Heidy

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton,the last time someone was so battered round the ring he was found dead in Michael Barrymores swimming pool!
Heidy

3 tortoises,Jim,Ray and Geoff go for a picnic 10 miles from where they live.It takes them 10 days to get there and when they arrive they find they have forgotten the bottle opener!Jim and Ray ask Geoff to go fetch itbut he tells them "Fuck it by the time I get back you will have eaten all the sandwiches"
Jim and Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches so Geoff agrees to go...............
10 days pass and Geoff has not returned.......20 days pass and Geoff has still not returned........and Jim and Ray a bloody starving,but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches.
25 days pass and Jim and Ray say "Fuck it,we are goannie starve if we dont eat"
As they start to eat the sandwiches,Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts "I knew it you bastards, I'm not fuckin going now"!
Clash

Efter gazing at the heading for a few minutes
Quote:
Joke threed..no neccesarilie in guid taste eethuur
ah came tae the conclusion that as Heidi wis the chappie who started the jokes then the second phrase wis completely unnecessary.
Smile
Neil

Faan are the jokes gaen tae start?
SengaMcp

Aye, dae tell.  Twisted Evil
Heidy

Luik we dae ken that thers sum in here who ur so strate laced an stony faced that it wid cause a major crackin o the auld makeup if they evin attemptit a smile...... Laughing
Heidy

A mother took her five-year-old son with
her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes,the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the
little boy's ear to be quiet... A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as fats as they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep,beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your fucking life, she's reversing !!
Boudleaux C Merkin

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  She's reversing! Cracker!
Heidy

An auld wan.............


Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in
a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a
climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a
clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father
would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This
would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the
young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel
over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex
with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'
Boudleaux C Merkin

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money..
By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.
Hollowhorn

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written " 3x Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Please send extra sauce."
notascot

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at W***!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...
dosser

A priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The doctor said, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The businessman called out, "Move it you guys, time is money."

The priest said, "Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" Said the priest, "What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The businessman replied, "I think I'll donate 350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls."

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?"

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AG

Quote:

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?

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Ah dae hope that's no meant tae be a dig at Aiburdonians Dossur. Thur no aw like Dundonian coontints ye ken.

Cool
SengaMcp

Ah hope it's no annol as Ra Daddy wis frae near Huntly. It's no troo attaw wit they say aboot Aiberdonians. We didna hae tae sedate him tae get his wallet oot his haun, jist knock him doon an sit on him.
Heidy

Dear Jeremy Kyle,
I am 15 & pregnant and my parents don't know. They haven't met my boyfriend. He is bisexual and HIV positive & he has Tourettes.he is married & is 20 years older than me. He deals drugs and carries a gun. He lives in a squat and is just out of jail & he likes animal porn.
My problem is, how do I tell my parents that he is a  Pakistani ?
Heidy

Paddy and murphy buy two pigs for their farm. Murphy says how we goin to tell the difference between your pig and mine? Paddy says one of the pigs has an ear missing. Ill have the pig with one ear and you have the one with two. During the night the pigs have a fight and the pig with one ear bites an ear off the pig with two ears. The following morning he says "how we goin to tell the diff now?". Paddy replies "ill bite the other ear off my pig so my pig has no ears and up pig has one ear". During the night the pigs have another fight and the pig with no ears bites off the ear off the other pig. Next day Murphy says how do we tell the difference now? Paddy says ill cut the tail off my pig. During the night the pigs have another fight and the pig with no tail bites off the tail me the other pig. Murphy says wot we goin to do now? Paddy says " Fuck it....you have the pink one and ill have the black one"
Heidy

A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how hard they each are. The lion says "when I roar the whole jungle shakes". The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles". "So what", says the pig, "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole fucking world shit's itself"!!
Heidy

I was in the back garden the other day , the sun was shining it was lovely. Then i looked down and saw this little kid spitting , i said stop that you little bastard , but he wouldn't . So i had no option and took him off the barbeque.
Heidy

Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you think so?" He says "Aye definitely. She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat c*nt!"
Heidy

Clash was asked to do a 10 mile 'Fun Run'. He said "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for disabled and blind kids." Then he thought... Fuck it, I could win this!
Heidy

Six Polish guys were arrested in Glasgow for kicking the shit out of a group of Celtic supporters.. Fucking Poles eh, come over here & take all the best jobs!
Heidy

Paddy shows an essex girl the L and R labels in his wellies explaining they mean left and right. Oh! She say's," now I understand the C&A label in my thong!".
Heidy

Man & wife are out shopping together,  Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, " NO WAY! They're way too expensive." Later that nite in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says, "I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then u ain't fucking riding it!!!"
Heidy

Two gays up a back alley when a policeman shone his torch. One of them ran off but the policeman grabbed the other, You dirty bastard, if I'd caught ur mate this truncheon would've  gone right up his fuckin arse! A voice came from down the alley and shouted, "yoo hoo I'm in the bin"!
Heidy

Bought myself a new deodorant stick today. Instructions said 'take off top & push up bottom', I'm still in casualty, but my farts smell fuckin class !!!
Heidy

5 SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:
1. It's important to have a Man who helps at home & has a job.
2. It's important to have a Man who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a Man you can trust & who would never lie.
4. It's important to have a Man who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5. It's absolutely vital that these four Men don't know each other!!
Heidy

hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an un attended bag on the train or bus and think......

'I'll fucking have that!'
Heidy

Guy said to mate "Close your curtains the next time your shaggin your wife!". "Why?" said mate. "Because yesterday you were shaggin her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you!" "Well" said guy, "The jokes on them idiots, I wasn't even home yesterday!"
Heidy

Man rolls over in bed & grins at wife - she says Not tonight darling I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want 2 stay clean. Man rolls over feeling rejected. After 5 minutes he rolls back over and asks 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?
Heidy

A recent scientific study found that women find different  male faces attractive depending on where they are in their  menstrual cycle.  For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in fucking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and his golf clubs jammed up his bastard arse.
Heidy

Geordie bloke goes to the doctors... "A dunno whats up wi me doc, the undaneath a me armpits smells like coconut" Doctor says... "Well its bounty innit!"
Heidy

Little Suzie gets home from school and tells her mum excitedly "mum, all the boys in our class kept asking me to do a cartwheel!" mum said "did you do it?" Suzie said "yeah they asked me to do more! I was good!" mum said "don't do that! They just want to look at your knickers!" Suzie said "I know-that's why I hide them in my bag"
Heidy

Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. Man shouts out window"FUCKIN BIG FAT COW!" Woman yells out window "PRICK!" Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. If only women would fuckin listen.....
Heidy

Marriage counsellor to couple: "Tell me something both of you have in common." Husband after a long, awkward silence: "Well, neither of us sucks cock"
Heidy

Man sat on a towel at beach had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past, felt sorry for him. One said you ever had a hug? He said No, she hugged him & walked on. 2nd one said 'you ever had a kiss? He said No, she kissed him & walked on. 3rd one said 'you ever been fu*ked-? He said No, she said you will be when tide comes in......
Heidy

A fitba wan........
Unbelievable. Only the tims could get away with this.. Some eagle eyed runt has noticed that their points total is wrong by 4 points which means they should actualy go above rangers. For some obscure reason the draws they played against hearts and hibs this month should hv been wins! As both teams fielded ineligable players. Check it out on the net. Its right. The tims appealed to the sfa late  last night. If their claim is upheld it will mean they'r champs instead...... ...........Carlsberg dont do texts for delusional catholics but if they did.. this would probably have been the best text in the world.
notanimby

Q.What do you do when your daughter is pregnant and claims she hasn't slept with anyone? ...

A. Start a religion
notanimby

Carlsberg don't do attention deficit disorder, but if they did...........................................................
notanimby

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
notanimby

Ultimate phone prank

1. Call the childline number and say 'i've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'

2. Operator replies 'you're through to childline'

3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD''. before hanging up the phone
weejan

I don't think that would W***.
notanimby

weejan wrote:
I don't think that would W***.


Yoo dinnae think that would whut?
SengaMcp

Ahem, thurs cairtin wurds at ah jist willna tolerate in here. W*** is wanny thum, so ah've sortit ra swerrybot tae deal wi thum.
notanimby

SengaMcp wrote:
Ahem, thurs cairtin wurds at ah jist willna tolerate in here. W*** is wanny thum, so ah've sortit ra swerrybot tae deal wi thum.


kin ye spell that funetikkuly fur me, W*** that is, jist as a wee cloo?
SengaMcp

W***, w**k, Emp******t... Umm, nope.
notanimby

SengaMcp wrote:
W***, w**k, Emp******t... Umm, nope.



By jove ah think av got it, izzit sumthin tae dae wae masturbashun Embarassed
SengaMcp

Umm, nope. At wid be Boo's department.
dosser

Uhm..... Ah suppose maybes it cuild be - dependin on how difficult ye find thon partiklur activity these days.
notanimby

dosser wrote:
Uhm..... Ah suppose maybes it cuild be - dependin on how difficult ye find thon partiklur activity these days.


No partikulurly diffikilt, jist hell ov a kwik
Boudleaux C Merkin

Rates available on request. Satisfaction guaranteed. References and video evidence supplied at reasonable cost. No time wasters or wankers, thank you. ( Ah'm  no cheap by ra way ).
dosser

notanimby wrote:
dosser wrote:
Uhm..... Ah suppose maybes it cuild be - dependin on how difficult ye find thon partiklur activity these days.


No partikulurly diffikilt, jist hell ov a kwik


It cannae mean that then.

How's yer mobility? Are ye still able tae W*** wi'oot a stick?
SengaMcp

Ah huv wheels sae nae need fur sticks. But at's nae it eethur. In fact, yer gettin caulder.
notanimby

Right av narrowed it doon tae wan of these:

wabs
wack
wada
wadd
wade
wadi
wads
wadt
wady
waes
waff
waft
wage
wags
waid
waif
wail
wain
wair
wait
waka
wake
wakf
wald
wale
wali
walk
wall
waly
wame
wand
wane
wang
wank
wans
want
wany
waps
waqf
ward
ware
wark
warm
warn
warp
wars
wart
wary
wase
wash
wasm
wasp
wast
wate
wats
watt
wauk
waul
waur
wave
wavy
wawa
wawe
wawl
waws
waxy
ways
weak
weal
wean
wear
webs
weck
weds
weed
week
weel
weem
ween
weep
weer
wees
weet
weft
weid
weil
weir
weka
weld
welk
well
wels
welt
wemb
wems
wend
wens
went
wept
were
wert
west
weta
wets
wexe
weys
wham
whap
what
whee
when
whet
whew
whey
whid
whig
whim
whin
whip
whir
whit
whiz
whoa
whom
whop
whot
whow
whup
whys
wice
wich
wick
wide
wiel
wife
wigs
wild
wile
wili
will
wilt
wily
wimp
wind
wine
wing
wink
winn
wino
wins
winy
wipe
wire
wiry
wise
wish
wisp
wiss
wist
wite
with
wits
wive
woad
wock
woes
wogs
woke
woks
wold
wolf
womb
wonk
wons
wont
wood
woof
wool
woon
woos
woot
wops
word
wore
W***
worm
worn
wort
wost
wots
wove
wowf
wows
wrap
wren
writ
wuds
wull
wuss
wych
wyes
wyle
wynd
wynn
wyns
wyte
SengaMcp

Wanny thum is fairly close.
dosser

worf

worg

worl

Nah, Ah dinnae get it.

Boodles, you ken a' aboot perversity, naughtiness an' filth. Shuild Ah be apolygisin' tae wur membership fur yasin' any o' the above three wurds?
AG

Time: A finite extent of continued existence; e.g. the interval between two events, or the period during which an action or state continues; a period referred to in some way.

Nae names nae pack drill, but wan poast oan iss page wis a right waste uv it.
dosser

Wizzit ra wan jist afore this wan?
AG

Warm but no quite
Tumchie

wookie..... Razz hehehe...a ban iss in oarder ehno?
itsjistme

AG wrote:
Warm but no quite

Should that no be, "W*** but no quite".  Laughing



jaiket's oan...hehe
SengaMcp

Tumchie wrote:
wookie..... Razz hehehe...a ban iss in oarder ehno?


How? Ye huv sumthin agin wookies mebbe?
Tumchie

SengaMcp wrote:
Tumchie wrote:
wookie..... Razz hehehe...a ban iss in oarder ehno?


How? Ye huv sumthin agin wookies mebbe?


Embarassed  Razz ...erm...aye...aye ats whit it is, thur pyoor big herry bestirts annatt....hate thum soahdae Laughing
notanimby

AG wrote:
Time: A finite extent of continued existence; e.g. the interval between two events, or the period during which an action or state continues; a period referred to in some way.

Nae names nae pack drill, but wan poast oan iss page wis a right waste uv it.


Wizzit ma joke aboot ra dwarfs?

Iz there a prize fur guessin right?
Tumchie

Pat and Mick are speaking to each other and then Mick notices Pat's goldfish. Mick asks "What are your fish called?" Pat says "One and Two." Mick asks "Why have you called them One and Two?" Pat replies with "Because if One dies I still have Two." Embarassed
Tumchie

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.


What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene.


What do you call a guy walking up his path?

Hamish


What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?

Dai Gestive
Heidy

A  woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip  to  Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:    

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?  You're crazy to go to  Rome. It's crowed and dirty.  So, how are you getting there?  

"We're  taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"    

"Continental?"  exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are  old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,  where are you staying in   Rome  ?"  

"We'll  be at this exclusive little place over on  Rome 's  Tiber  River called "Teste."    

"Don't  go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be  something special and exclusive, but it's really a  dump."  

"We're  going to go to see the   Vatican  and maybe get to  see the Pope."  

"That's  rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to  see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.   Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need  it."    

A  month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked  her about her trip to   Rome  .    

"It  was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of  Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped  us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a  handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.    

And  the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job,  and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were  overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no  extra charge!"

"Well,"  muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you  didn't get to see the Pope."    

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to  meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his  private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.    

Sure  enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook  my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to  me."    

"Oh,  really!  What'd he say ?"    

He  said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
notanimby

Two dugs walkin doon r astreet
Furst dug "do yoo use condoms"
Sekind Dug " How Durex"
SengaMcp

The lass I brought home was a prize,
with an alluring pair of blue eyes,
her breasts, so well kept,
were what Id expect,
but her dong was quite a surprise.
Tumchie

Fitter joke..........

An Irishman runs into his house after W*** and shouts:
"Wife, Wife! What height am I?"
"Five foot and eleven inches" she says.
"Thank fook for that" says the Irishman.
"They're laying aff six fitters in the W*** tomorrow".
Clash

Apropos of nuthing tumshie but it wis only a few years ago I hud even heard of a Fitter until a neighbour telt me that her husband wis one.

Mind you; I wisny any the wiser because when she telt me what her (Scottish) husband did it wis at the party where he'd turned 40.

He wis presented wi a ginormous cock. It wis donated by his wife and 100 quid wis paid for the show. All his mates and their wives went mental because they hud never seen anything like it.

Call me a snob if you like but the next time a "Fitter" invites our family tae a birthday?

I'll make sure that ma zip is closed and I get paid upfront.
dosser

At a certain point we all feel challenged beyond our capabilities and as indicated below, we sooooooo have nothing to worry about!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and

'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset

with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your

hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song

What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France .

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is

the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all

written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the

Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about

pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . .

Contestant: Er . ..

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona .

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a

famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

xJAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er...

er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan .

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear

that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland ?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . .. .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the

sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging

character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Ah only postit thon cause Ah'm on a mission tae fill in a' the ums again.
Boudleaux C Merkin

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama.



They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."



President Obama said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."



The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show, Star Trek, and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs... My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."



President Obama smiled, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered back...

"That's because it takes place in the future!"
Neil

I hate to spoil the "joke" but Iranians aren't Arabs.
notanimby

Neil wrote:
I hate to spoil the "joke" but Iranians aren't Arabs.


Aren't they Aryans ur sumthin?
swift

joke thread ?

Iranians also:
And their official language is Persian. Oan the ithur haun, Arabic is the language of Iraq.....wonder if being able to speak Persian would make it easier to learn Arabic.
swift
a book of verse beneath the bough,
a loaf of bread, a jug of wine,
and thou.
swift

joke thread ?

Talked tae the man who runs the corner shop. He is from Iraq and tells me that the two languages are a world apart, says he disnae ken mair than four or five words of Persian,
tam
Neil

Ah thocht the leid wiz cried Farsi.
swift

joke thread ?

And it is:
one version is that the name Farsi was adopted because of problems with the letter "P". Wiki has a number of versions, one of which claims that Persion, or Farsi, is one form of Arabic: that opinion has more naysayers than Brown.
tam
Boudleaux C Merkin

When I was sent the "joke" by email I realised, having had spent four years living and w*rking in Iran,  that Iranians are not Arabs but rather than altering it , and being the lazy bastirt thit Ah um, Ah posted it as it wiz. Silly me.
Ah kin confirm  whit Neil and swift huv posted. The present Mrs Merkin and mahsel still use the odd farsi wurd in oor conversation efter a' these years. It is an Indo-European language and totally different frae Arabic, though the Koran is , of course , written in Arabic which is God's tongue. Wan o' mah copies o' the Koran, thit Ah bought in Tehran, is Arabic/English.
If we wanted tae niggle oor Iranian pals we wid ca' thum an Arab. Efter a while they didnae rise tae the bait. The Iranians thit Ah trained and w*rked wi' were , wi' few exceptions, really nice guys ... nae wimmen, wiznae allowed - and hud a guid sense o' humour.
They wid huv laughed at the "joke."
notanimby

THE JACKSON FIVE


AG

Quote:

They wid huv laughed at the "joke."


Well ah thought it wis quite funny. Gonny lighten up Neil. That sorta stuff killed thon other place.
swift

joke thread ?

Really ?
swift
Hollowhorn

Great stuff, Dosser, had me laffin' out loud.  Laughing
ayrshiretattie

AG wrote:
Quote:

They wid huv laughed at the "joke."


Well ah thought it wis quite funny. Gonny lighten up Neil. That sorta stuff killed thon other place.


Um, confused. (normal state of affairs for me in this place!) - Who are you quoting there, AG?
Clash

Dinny fash ayrshire: it wis chust Auldie forgetting fur a minute that Neil is the wan fur keeping us on our toes wi pedantics.

I think the "other place" AG wis referring to disny really exist any mair.  Twisted Evil
ayrshiretattie

Clash wrote:
Dinny fash ayrshire: it wis chust Auldie forgetting fur a minute that Neil is the wan fur keeping us on our toes wi pedantics.

Very Happy

Quote:
I think the "other place" AG wis referring to disny really exist any mair. Twisted Evil

Question
Well, now there would be a boon anna blessing to men (and wimmin)
Boudleaux C Merkin

Not to menshun the Pickwick the Owl and the Waverley pen. Smile
Heidy

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c o c k,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
#



is is ridikliss huvin tae edit iss cos ra bot takes away ra meanin o ra joke...fuxake! Sad
swift

topic:

Heidy:
I think that the c o c k added a bit. I visualized a bronzed, over the hill, failed hotelier, hauf marathoner noo turned chicken farmer, glancin aroond and very quietly spelling the word.
tam

and mibee the woman strokin the inside of his thigh when she says, "what a co-incidence".

and and, him being overcome and fallin off the bar stool in a deid faint, because this had never happened tae him in his entire life
Boudleaux C Merkin

You've goat a durty mind, tam. Shocked
swift

jokes:

Boudleaux:
Thon is music tae mah ears. You are a nice man, soyeare.
tam
PS did i ever post oan the same site as yurself ? I dae enjoy readin yur posts and i have made a wrong guess as tae another identity thit ye might have used at one time.
Boudleaux C Merkin

Re: jokes:

swift wrote:
Boudleaux:
Thon is music tae mah ears. You are a nice man, soyeare.
tam
PS did i ever post oan the same site as yurself ? I dae enjoy readin yur posts and i have made a wrong guess as tae another identity thit ye might have used at one time.


Boudleaux C Merkin has been my nomme de cyber for many years now. My real name ( Sir Vivian Horse-Posture ) I shall never reveal, as certain people may have to die as a consequence of such knowledge.
Regarding yourself, my dear tam, all I can tell you is that my people have thoroughly checked your antecedents - the reason for your hasty departure from the land of our birth to the frozen wastes need concern no-one but ourselves - and the Strathclyde CID  of course. Live and let live, that's what I say.
AG

Three doon, three tae go
Heidy

So Paddy asks Murphy:  "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You thick idiot  -  If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*****g boat
Heidy

Last Penny

   A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

   Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

   The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

   A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant..

   Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

   Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

   As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

   'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

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