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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the flippin' thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the heck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe!!".

did you make up the wan aboot the fishies?? it huz a certain ring ah trooth aboot it.
Fey Hag

A hen awakes durin' th' nicht tae fin' 'at 'er guidman isnae in scratcher. She puts oan 'er robe an' goes downstairs tae swatch fur heem.
She finds heem sittin' at th' scullery table wi' a hot cuppae cocoa in front ay heem.
He appears tae be in deep thooght, jist starin' at th' waa. she watches as he wiped a tear frae his yak an' takes a sip ay his hot cocoa .
'What's th' matter?' she whispers as she steps intae th' room, 'why aur ye doon haur at thes time ay nicht?
The guidman looks up frae his cocoa , 'it's th' 20th anniversary ay th' day we met'.
She cannae believe he has remembered an' starts tae tear up.
The guidman continues, 'do ye min' 20 years ago when we started datin'?
Ah was 18 an' ye waur only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, th' guidwife is tooched tae tears thinkin' 'at 'er guidman is sae carin' an' sensitife.

'Yes, Ah do' she replies.

The guidman pauses. th' words waur nae comin' easily.
'Do ye min' when yer faither caught us in th' back seat ay mah motur?'

'Yes, Ah remember' said th' guidwife, lowerin' herself intae a chair beside heem.
The guidman continued. 'Do ye min' when he shoved th' shotgin in mah face an' said, 'either ye marry mah dochter ur Ah will send ye tae prison fur 20 years?'

'I min' 'at, too' she replied softly.

He wiped anither tear frae his cheek an' said;

'I woods hae gotten oot today.

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