Bein' a person o' guid character............Ah will stick mah shitey jokes in the correct place. Doon ra Leki's cludgie.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Goulburn and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.
We may have about 150 still tae go. Ah huv fund a rich vein o' keech.
A man goes into a doctors and says "I think I'm a moth."
The doctor looks at him and replies "You don't need a doctor, I think you need to see a psychiatrist."
The man says "I know, I was going to see one but I saw your light was on!"
Ah mustnae spoil ye, but. So Ah'll jist post wan mair.
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gunna have to explain it five times."
Ahm no sayin ma wife is fat annat but she fell doon ra sterrs raday an Ah thot eastenduurs wis finishin...............
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...
The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
I went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier for a statement. She said 'My name is Carol and I W*** at the bank'.
But but will Skuibby 'n his Merican pals find thum?
This yin is fer them.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
You're gonna LOVE me for this.....
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
The owner of a chemist shop walks in to find a customer leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the counter assistant, "What's with that bloke over there by the wall?"
The assistant says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The assistant says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The
man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
1. To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
2. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other
bastard die for his.
3. Murphy's Law of Combat: "Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder"
4. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick
(1813-1864), last words
5. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
7. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
8. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
9. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
10. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
11. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
12. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
13. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
14. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
15. Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to
16. Friendly fire - isn't.
17. When in doubt empty the magazine.
18. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
19. Clever is getting out alive.
20. The easy way is always mined.