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Heidy

Ahm sayin nuthin............

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife,

'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'

asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said,

'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!   Got it, A**hole?'

So he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.
weejan

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
Fey Hag

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother,

the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous

on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

"I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the

same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.

I don't want you to forget that." Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f**k'n attitude, you never will."
peony

Razz  Razz
Soorploom

Twae awfu guid stories ther; an Ah've no herd thum afore. Very Happy
Heidy

Thats cos ye as deef as Ozboay ya daft auld toorie werrin fart! Very Happy
Celyn

Hell, if that's whit ye get for complimenting Heidie on a funny joke, I'll make sure I don't.

Great wee story there, Fey!   Laughing

And Heidie's was dead good annaw, but don't tell him I said so, and he cannae red wee tiny words, so this is safe. Smile  )
Naw its no.Ah huv ra Lekii aw see'in een annat! Twisted Evil
Fey Hag

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after W*** cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....













"Clean my house..."

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