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Joke threed..no neccesarilie in guid taste eethuur!
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 8:50 pm    Post subject: Joke threed..no neccesarilie in guid taste eethuur!  Reply with quote

What do Ricky Hatton and Gary Glitter have in common?
They both went down after tryin to take  a little Phillipino in the ring!
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton,the last time someone was so battered round the ring he was found dead in Michael Barrymores swimming pool!
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

3 tortoises,Jim,Ray and Geoff go for a picnic 10 miles from where they live.It takes them 10 days to get there and when they arrive they find they have forgotten the bottle opener!Jim and Ray ask Geoff to go fetch itbut he tells them "Fuck it by the time I get back you will have eaten all the sandwiches"
Jim and Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches so Geoff agrees to go...............
10 days pass and Geoff has not returned.......20 days pass and Geoff has still not returned........and Jim and Ray a bloody starving,but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches.
25 days pass and Jim and Ray say "Fuck it,we are goannie starve if we dont eat"
As they start to eat the sandwiches,Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts "I knew it you bastards, I'm not fuckin going now"!
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Clash



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 313


Location: Brisbane

PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Efter gazing at the heading for a few minutes
Quote:
Joke threed..no neccesarilie in guid taste eethuur
ah came tae the conclusion that as Heidi wis the chappie who started the jokes then the second phrase wis completely unnecessary.
Smile
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Neil



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 483



PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Faan are the jokes gaen tae start?
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SengaMcp
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Joined: 28 Apr 2009
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PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aye, dae tell.  Twisted Evil
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Luik we dae ken that thers sum in here who ur so strate laced an stony faced that it wid cause a major crackin o the auld makeup if they evin attemptit a smile...... Laughing
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother took her five-year-old son with
her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes,the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the
little boy's ear to be quiet... A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as fats as they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep,beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your fucking life, she's reversing !!
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Boudleaux C Merkin



Joined: 07 May 2009
Posts: 294


Location: Meresig

PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  She's reversing! Cracker!
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2009 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An auld wan.............


Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in
a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a
climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a
clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father
would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This
would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the
young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel
over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex
with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'
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Boudleaux C Merkin



Joined: 07 May 2009
Posts: 294


Location: Meresig

PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2009 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money..
By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.
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Hollowhorn



Joined: 29 Apr 2009
Posts: 129


Location: Paisley

PostPosted: Mon May 18, 2009 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written " 3x Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Please send extra sauce."
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notascot



Joined: 06 May 2009
Posts: 145



PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at W***!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...
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dosser



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 676



PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The doctor said, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The businessman called out, "Move it you guys, time is money."

The priest said, "Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" Said the priest, "What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The businessman replied, "I think I'll donate 350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls."

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?"

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AG



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 324



PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?

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Ah dae hope that's no meant tae be a dig at Aiburdonians Dossur. Thur no aw like Dundonian coontints ye ken.

Cool
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SengaMcp
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Joined: 28 Apr 2009
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PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah hope it's no annol as Ra Daddy wis frae near Huntly. It's no troo attaw wit they say aboot Aiberdonians. We didna hae tae sedate him tae get his wallet oot his haun, jist knock him doon an sit on him.
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Jeremy Kyle,
I am 15 & pregnant and my parents don't know. They haven't met my boyfriend. He is bisexual and HIV positive & he has Tourettes.he is married & is 20 years older than me. He deals drugs and carries a gun. He lives in a squat and is just out of jail & he likes animal porn.
My problem is, how do I tell my parents that he is a  Pakistani ?
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Heidy



Joined: 28 Apr 2009
Posts: 969


Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy and murphy buy two pigs for their farm. Murphy says how we goin to tell the difference between your pig and mine? Paddy says one of the pigs has an ear missing. Ill have the pig with one ear and you have the one with two. During the night the pigs have a fight and the pig with one ear bites an ear off the pig with two ears. The following morning he says "how we goin to tell the diff now?". Paddy replies "ill bite the other ear off my pig so my pig has no ears and up pig has one ear". During the night the pigs have another fight and the pig with no ears bites off the ear off the other pig. Next day Murphy says how do we tell the difference now? Paddy says ill cut the tail off my pig. During the night the pigs have another fight and the pig with no tail bites off the tail me the other pig. Murphy says wot we goin to do now? Paddy says " Fuck it....you have the pink one and ill have the black one"
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Heidy



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Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how hard they each are. The lion says "when I roar the whole jungle shakes". The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles". "So what", says the pig, "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole fucking world shit's itself"!!
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Heidy



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Location: North o th' river

PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 2:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was in the back garden the other day , the sun was shining it was lovely. Then i looked down and saw this little kid spitting , i said stop that you little bastard , but he wouldn't . So i had no option and took him off the barbeque.


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